Super Bowl Cum-Day II
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: It's once again time for the Super Bowl, arguably the biggest night in sports. But what happens when the game gets rocked by a major scandal? It's up to RK to expose it, whether the rest of Testicular Sound Express believes him or not. Guest starring Joe Buck, Troy Aikman, Pam Oliver, and Erin Andrews.
1. Super Bowl Cum-Day II Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 14

Airdate: January 26, 2014

Title: Super Bowl Cum-Day II

Segway Segment: Classic Music Videos ("My Prerogative" by Bobby Brown)

Satire/Social Commentary: Super Bowl Sunday, dangers of the cold-weather conditions at Super Bowl XLVIII, 1919 World Series "Black Sox" scandal

Special Guest Stars: Joe Buck as Himself, Troy Aikman as Himself, Pam Oliver as Herself, Erin Andrews as Herself

PROLOGUE

During Super Bowl XLV, a commercial made by NFL aired entitled "Best Fans Ever." It featured 180 edited scenes of characters from 20 live-action shows/cartoons, past and present, preparing for the Super Bowl. For "Super Bowl Cum-Day," certain scenes were edited again, either because they were now dated or because the original scene was incorrect in some way (_The Office_). It's once again time for the Super Bowl, and because of that, the commercial is back, once again re-edited for Super Bowl XLVIII. Here are the edits for "Best Fans Ever 2014."

-In the _How I Met Your Mother _scene, Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) is drinking from a Super Bowl XLVIII cup, and the large banner behind him reads, "Super Bowl XLVIII: AFC Champion Denver Broncos vs. NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks."

-In one of the _Happy Days _scenes, Fonzie (Henry Winkler) pounds the TV to make it work. You see Joe Buck and Troy Aikman commentating, but instead of Buck saying "It's great to have you all here for Super Bowl XLV" like in the original commercial, they say "It's great to have you all here for Super Bowl XLVIII." Aikman says "The air is electric here in East Rutherford" instead of "The air is electric here in Dallas." It carries over to the second _Family Guy _scene.

-In the _Thank You, Heavenly _scene, the banner reads "Super Bowl 48." Manny is wearing a Cam Newton (Carolina Panthers) jersey instead of the Calvin Johnson (Detroit Lions) one from the year before.

-The _South Park _scene has a banner on one of the houses that reads "Super Bowl XLVIII."

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky is packing some of his things in a suitcase; Jaylynn is standing near him while RK has a bored look on his face)

JAYLYNN: So, this is the first Super Bowl I'm ever going to watch. What should I expect?

SPARKY: You should expect the biggest party of the year. You see Jaylynn, ordinarily, people just watch the game on TV. But we're actually going to New York City for Super Bowl Week. It's going to be huge, man.

RK: Isn't the game in New Jersey?

SPARKY: Well, yeah, we're basically going to stay in East Rutherford for the first few days, and then on Thursday, we're going to be on the Bud Light Party Boat.

JAYLYNN: How were you able to swing that?!

RK: Yeah, Daddy, how?

(Sparky angrily stares at RK)

SPARKY: I got those tickets in advance. And this time, RK is going to keep away from them.

RK: You're never going to let me live that cummy experience down, are you?

SPARKY: As long as you remain nine years old, so be it.

BUSTER: Well, Wade just finished puking. For now.

RK: But his body has never looked sexier.

JAYLYNN: Why would Wade be puking?

SPARKY: He's a big fan of the Patriots and they lost the AFC Championship Game yesterday.

BUSTER: But it doesn't matter to us. And you want to know why?

JAYLYNN: Why?

SPARKY: Because the Seahawks...

SPARKY AND BUSTER: ARE IN THE SUPER BOWL!

(Sparky and Buster start breakdancing as "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang plays in the background)

(to the tune of "Play That Funky Music" by Wild Cherry) WADE: STOP THAT FUNKY MUSIC, WHITE BOYS!

(record scratches; long pause)

BUSTER: Dude, we were just about to get funky.

WADE: Guys, I'm going home to sleep this off. Again.

SPARKY: Wade, doesn't it get tiring to go through the same cummy routine? I mean, you've been puking for three years now and it's definitely unhealthy.

WADE: No! Why do you guys get to celebrate the Super Bowl and I can't?

RK: Need I remind you that you nearly caused a public disturbance with your reckless partying after the Red Sox won the World Series?

WADE: Hey, only four cars swerved off the side of the road! FOUR! See that? That's how much YOU know.

BUSTER: Go ahead and get all the rest you need, Wade.

JAYLYNN: Peace.

WADE: Peace.

(Wade walks out the door)

SPARKY: Poor kid. I mean, it's so deflating whenever your team doesn't win.

RK: Oh.

(Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn blankly stare at RK)

SPARKY: I mean, they come into the season ready to take the championship and everything just falls apart before you know it.

RK: Oh!

(once again, RK gets three blank stares)

BUSTER: Yeah, it's like YOU lost your shot at becoming champion.

RK: OH!

SPARKY: RK, the Atlanta Falcons never had a damn shot this year so you can't put them in this discussion.

RK: Well, YOU try having to adjust to the greatest tight end of all-time retiring, several offensive changes and a bunch of angry hater fans on your bozack.

BUSTER: If the Falcons got busy this year and were capable of actually COMPETING, then nobody would have to be on their bozack.

RK: Whatever.

JAYLYNN: When are we leaving?

SPARKY: This Sunday.

BUSTER: Ah, we won't get to watch the Royal Rumble!

SPARKY: Don't worry, Buster, we can always watch it online.

BUSTER: Yeah, but it's a tradition for us to watch the Royal Rumble. Of course, this isn't the first time there's been a change like this.

CUTAWAY GAG

Sparky is making his famous four-alarm chilli at his house when Buster enters the kitchen.

BUSTER: Sparky, why does it smell like paprika?

SPARKY: I ran out of coriander for my MacDougal Four-Alarm Chilli, so I'm using paprika as a substitute.

BUSTER: HOW DARE YOU?!

(Buster smacks Sparky with a spoon and leaves, while Sparky is visibly shaken)

SCENE 2

Residence Inn East Rutherford/Meadowlands

Exterior Entrance

East Rutherford, New Jersey

JANUARY 27

Testicular Sound Express has made the trip from Seattle to Newark, New Jersey and taken a taxi to get to their hotel in nearby East Rutherford, where Super Bowl XLVIII is being played. It's a lot colder here than it is in Seattle.

(being the last to leave the taxi with his luggage) RK: WHAT KIND OF GOD-FORSAKEN PIECE OF CRAP IS THIS?! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CIVILIZATION HERE! THIS IS A COLD, SATANIC PLACE DEVOID OF ANY HUMANITY!

SPARKY: RK, calm down, it's just New Jersey.

(The kids are in their hotel rooms; being a girl, Jaylynn requested a separate room; RK is trying to defrost himself)

(on his iPad) WADE: According to the current weather patterns...on my iPad (chuckles while the other boys groan), a majority of the U.S. is still in a polar vortex. In fact, this might affect Sunday's game.

RK: You see? This is what happens when the idiots in charge award the Super Bowl to an outdoor stadium in a cold-weather city.

BUSTER: At least we'll be on a boat and not in MetLife Stadium actually.

SPARKY: I just hope they have great protection. The expenses on this thing were enormous.

WADE: Ah, you'll get it back in two weeks.

(Sparky angrily stares at Wade)

RK: Hey, where's Jaylynn?

SPARKY: Remember? She didn't want us looking at her female body parts so she has her own room.

BUSTER: Don't you think it's kind of gross how four little boys are going to be touching each other in bed all night?

SPARKY: Who said we would be touching each other?

BUSTER: Instinct?

(long pause)

WADE: Buster, two words: Parental control.

SCENE 3

Residence Inn East Rutherford/Meadowlands

Interior Hotel Room

East Rutherford, New Jersey

The room is dark because it's bedtime for the boys. Sparky is sleeping with RK while Buster is sleeping with Wade. All that can be seen is a black screen.

BUSTER: Hey, guys?

WADE: What?

BUSTER: Let's tell ghost stories.

RK: That's so cliche.

SPARKY: Let me hear one.

(long pause)

BUSTER: What?

SPARKY: I said, "Let me hear one." You obviously have a ghost story you want to share, so share it.

BUSTER: OK, you'll love this one. (Bleep) you.

SPARKY: That wasn't a ghost story, that was just a poor attempt at random humor.

BUSTER: I was doing a bit! OK, let me see here. I'm about to scare the puberty out of you guys.

WADE: Size wise, I think I'll get there before the rest of you.

BUSTER: Shut up, I'm trying to spin a tale! OK, here we go. A lady and her two daughters move to a house in New Orleans. But what they don't know is that the house is haunted. And there's an adult male ghost living there with his two ghost sons. So they all try and live together. The end.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Buster, that's _The Haunted Hathaways._

BUSTER: My creative output has been sorely lacking lately, what did you expect?

WADE: Can we all just shut up and go to sleep?

SPARKY: Might as well unless someone else has a ghost story.

RK: I do. I just need to figure out why Sparky has boobs now.

SPARKY: RK, I'm not FTM, I can't have boobs.

RK: Then who is...JAYLYNN?! What the hell are you doing here?

JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, I didn't want to bother you guys. I just had a nightmare that my imaginary friend tried to touch me.

SCENE 4

Prudential Center

Interior Arena Floor

Newark, New Jersey

JANUARY 28 (SUPER BOWL MEDIA DAY)

The NFC Champion Seahawks, along with a bunch of press and fans have descended upon the Prudential Center for Media Day. In five days, football will be played at the Meadowlands. The AFC Champion Broncos are doing their Super Bowl media with the press on a cruise ship docked in Jersey City.

WADE: How about that, Sparks? Testicular Sound Express here on Media Day. Unbelievable.

SPARKY: You know, Wade? I've been thinking about this for a while, but I think it's time to change the name.

WADE: Why? It's better than the ill-advised first name we came up with.

(A picture is shown of Testicular Sound Express wearing T-shirts that say "Circumcision Sound Express")

SPARKY: Well, now that Jaylynn's here, I think our name needs to be more inclusive. Times have changed, man. Even Michael Jackson changed himself. His hair, his lyrical content, his skin.

WADE: He HAD to change his skin, he was diagnosed with vitiligo.

SPARKY: No (bleep) way.

Buster and Jaylynn are on another side of the Prudential Center.

BUSTER: So, just to make sure, you're lesbian now?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. I've known for three and a half years now.

BUSTER: So, if I ever have a girlfriend, you could take her if you wanted?

JAYLYNN: If the attraction is there, why not?

BUSTER: Because I would crack your skull if you ever did something like that. My science, with all these people here, it's making ME nervous.

JAYLYNN: You're telling me. But apparently, that's not stopping Richard Sherman. I heard he plans to turn Super Bowl Week into his own personal forum.

(Sherman is being taken off the arena floor by security)

RICHARD SHERMAN: I'M THE BEST DAMN CORNER IN THE GAME! I AIN'T DONE TALKING GARBAGE! YOU CAN'T CONTROL MY MOUTH! I'M STILL BETTER THAN YOUR FAVORITE CORNER'S FAVORITE CORNER, AND THAT'S ME! WHICH MEANS ONLY I CAN BE BETTER THAN ME! YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SUPER BOWL MEDIA DAY?! WELL, LET'S RENAME IT RICHARD SHERMAN MEDIA DAY! IF I SEE THAT MOE CRABTREE, I'LL WHOOP HIS SORRY BEHIND!

(Meanwhile, RK is humming "Foolish" by Ashanti as he walks into the bathroom and uses the urinal)

RK: Wow, that song is so catchy. Too bad Ashanti was killed and couldn't realize her full potential. Or maybe that was Jojo.

(Meanwhile, Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson and Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll are using stalls next to each other and conversing)

RUSSELL WILSON: So are we set for Sunday, Pete?

PETE CARROLL: Of course, we are. Peyton and the gang are 100% on board if it means them winning the Super Bowl.

RUSSELL: So, we throw the game...

PETE: Richard gets to talk mindless crap all week, and we make millions of dollars for no reason.

RUSSELL: All those saps think we're actually going to make this a great game. Stupid Goodell putting us out in the cold to die.

PETE: Yeah, we'll give him the biggest blowout in Super Bowl history.

RUSSELL: Amen. Hey, don't you think it's dangerous to reveal this plan out loud in a public bathroom? That's so cliche.

PETE: No one will hear, man. And even if they do, there's nothing they can do to stop us.

RK: Except me.

(The "oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh" from the _Big Time Rush _theme song plays in the background as RK can't believe what he just heard)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

CLASSIC MUSIC VIDEOS

JAYLYNN: Hi, everybody! I'm Jaylynn Michelle Huie from the television series _Thank You, Heavenly_. And this is another edition of Classic Music Videos. We're going to take you back to a classic New Jack Swing video from 1988. This is Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative." Enjoy!

Artist: Bobby Brown

Song: My Prerogative

Album: Don't Be Cruel

Year: 1988

(The video for "My Prerogative" starts playing)

"My Prerogative" was produced by Teddy Riley, who is often credited as the inventor of New Jack Swing and is notable for popularizing the genre in the late 1980s and early 1990s.

SCENE 5

Residence Inn East Rutherford/Meadowlands

Interior Hotel Room

East Rutherford, New Jersey

(RK has rounded up the rest of Testicular Sound Express to the hotel, and they're all sitting on Sparky and RK's bed; RK is standing in front of them)

RK: Guys, I know you're still confused about why I wanted us all to leave Media Day.

JAYLYNN: You bet. I was just about to get a lock of Erin Andrews' hair.

RK: Jaylynn, this isn't ABOUT your creepy attempts to shove your homosexuality down our throats! This is about MY attempts to uncover a major plot on a national scale!

BUSTER: I've got it! The nudists are taking over our country and they're going to use the large audience of the Super Bowl to begin their new fellowship! Pretty soon, we'll all be walking around with our schlongs dangling from our coaspiatas.

(long pause)

WADE: I'm sorry, but I have absolutely no idea what the (bleep) you just said.

SPARKY: What's the plot, RK?

RK: The Broncos and Seahawks are conspiring with each other to ruin Super Bowl XLVIII! The Seahawks are going to throw the game, the Broncos are going to be handed the Vince Lombardi Trophy and the Seahawks are going to embezzle a whole bunch of money from the league!

(long pause)

BUSTER: So when do the nudists come into play?

WADE: What? That's insane!

RK: I know! Which is why we have to stop them from doing whatever it is they plan to do and save Super Bowl Sunday!

SPARKY: I think Wade means that what you just said has no ounce of logic behind it.

RK: How? This is just like what happened with the Chicago White Sox in 1919!

BUSTER: I don't remember the White Sox ever doing anything like that.

JAYLYNN: Me neither.

WADE: Oh no, RK's right about that. You see, in 1919, eight members of the White Sox were paid by gamblers to intentionally lose the World Series to the Cincinnati Reds. It was called the Black Sox scandal.

JAYLYNN: What happened to the players who were in on it?

WADE: They were banned from baseball for life.

RK: See? It happened once, and it can happen again!

WADE: RK, that was 95 years ago. Do you realize how much society has changed since then?

RK: I don't know. Girls got way more attractive?

WADE: Well, yeah, but in this day and age, almost nothing is secret or private anymore. You can't cover up anything in this world without someone finding out about it.

RK: What about Spygate?

WADE: We found out about that almost as soon as it happened. And it's the Super Bowl? Do you really think the two teams playing in it would be able to pull something like this off?

RK: Yes.

SPARKY: RK, you've been paranoid about a whole bunch of things in the past.

WADE: Like the alien invasion.

RK: Well...

SPARKY: And that time you thought ghosts were coming for you at your birthday dinner.

CUTAWAY GAG

APRIL 7, 2013

Testicular Sound Express is at Applebee's to celebrate RK's birthday. The kid of the hour is sitting next to Wade when the pepper shaker is tipped over inexplicably and lands on his burger.

RK: WADE, LOOK! The ghosts are sending me a message! See all the ashes of dead people on my burger?

(Wade doesn't take long inspecting it)

WADE: RK, that's pepper.

END OF CUTAWAY

SPARKY: Or the time you thought robots were taking over the toy store.

CUTAWAY GAG

(RK is at Toys R' Us when he sees a "robot" and jumps on him)

RK: WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH AMERICA, YOU DICK?!

(RK slaps the "robot" in his face)

ROBOT MAN: Kid, I'm just a guy in a stupid costume, now get off me!

RK: Oh, that's just rich. You think you can come up with sarcastic excuses and mess with kids' minds? I don't think so, Engelbert Humperdinck!

(RK slaps the "robot" again)

END OF CUTAWAY

RK: OK, well, I was coming off a really bad relationship when that happened, so...

WADE: You've never been in a relationship.

(long pause)

RK: Racism?

SPARKY: Look, RK, I think you might have just heard something that you misconstrued for another thing. I mean, seriously, can't we have one Super Bowl without your store-bought brand of hijinks?

JAYLYNN: I want to go back to my hotel room. I'm going to solve this "evil plot" if it's the last thing I do! (laughing)

WADE: Not if I solve it first!

SPARKY: Hang on. We might want to give RK...this one!

(Sparky bursts into hysterical laughter while everyone gives him a bored expression)

SPARKY: I was, um...I was trying to join in too.

(long pause)

SPARKY: OK.

(Sparky leaves the hotel room, while Wade and Jaylynn follow him)

RK: I can't believe this. This might be the worst Super Bowl of all-time and nobody cares enough to get it back on track!

BUSTER: I think you're telling the truth.

RK: Really?

BUSTER: Well, yeah. I mean, you come up with some really stupid crackpot theories from time to time, but I think you mean it this time.

RK: So, does that mean...

BUSTER: Yup. Ryan Kennedy Jennings, I'm going to help you save Super Bowl XLVIII.

RK: This is great, Buster! With your sex appeal and my leadership, we're going to make sure this game goes as planned. Besides, I have a knack for uncovering ruses. Like that time I thwarted the police's racial profiling attempt.

CUTAWAY GAG

(RK is driving through the streets of Seattle when he suddenly hears sirens)

RK: Oh no, not this time.

(RK pulls over while a white policeman with a mustache, a hat and sunglasses comes to his car)

POLICEMAN: You understand why I stopped you today, sir?

RK: Because I'm white and I'm stupid and possibly speeding in a residential neighborhood?

POLICEMAN: Yes, you're quite the smart guy.

RK: And you should also realize that I'm in possession of drugs. As in marijuana.

POLICEMAN: Really? If you're under 21, usage and/or possession of marijuana is illegal.

RK: And you should also know that there's a dead body in my trunk. I was planning to transport it to Puget Sound before you came here.

POLICEMAN: Is that so?

RK: Yeah, and I also have a whole bunch of alcohol in my glove compartment so you're going to need a warrant for that too.

POLICEMAN: We'll see how smart-mouthed you are when backup comes.

RK: You better make sure you give me a first-class cavity search. Nothing cheap, balls and all.

POLICEMAN: Um...whatever you say?

Later on, two more policemen have arrived, and the first policeman is explaining what RK said to him while the other is interrogating the kid.

POLICEMAN #2: My partner tells me you were doing 58 in a 56.

RK: Oh, really? I bet he also told you I had marijuana on me.

POLICEMAN #2: He did.

RK: And a dead body in the trunk, right?

POLICEMAN #2: Yeah!

RK: And alcoholic beverages in the glove compartment?

POLICEMAN #2: YEAH!

POLICEMAN #3: There's no dead body in here.

POLICEMAN #2: And no drugs or alcohol anywhere. I'm sorry, sir. I'm going to have a serious talk with my colleague about racial profiling.

(The policemen walk away from RK's car)

RK: Don't worry, this was fun. Have a good day...suckas.

(RK puts on a pair of sunglasses and drives away while "99 Problems" by Jay-Z plays in the background)

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 6

Pier 88 (Bud Light Party Cruise)

New York, New York

JANUARY 30

The kids are now on the Bud Light Party Boat, as it has finally docked on the Hudson River. Super Bowl XLVIII is going to be played on the other side of the Hudson in three days.

JAYLYNN: Swankiest place I've seen in my life.

SPARKY: Damn right. Come on, let's get inside before the drunk adults crush us.

(Testicular Sound Express boards the cruise ship alongside everyone else)

BUSTER: So, what's the plan?

RK: I heard some members of the Broncos are going to be here tonight.

BUSTER: I thought the team was in East Rutherford.

RK: Yeah, but I think some of them want to visit this place and then get back to the hotel. If we can weasel the truth out of them, we'll be able to get them to abort the plans before kickoff on Sunday.

BUSTER: I don't know, RK. Do you really want to cause a scene in front of all these passengers? Besides, Run-DMC is performing tonight!

RK: Buster, this is serious business! We have to stop these guys from ruining the Super Bowl! Do you really want a cummy game?

BUSTER: No way! For a diehard Seahawks fan like me, this is the moment I've been waiting for. What kind of person would I be if I knew about something and didn't do anything to stop it?

(A picture is shown of the deceased Joe Paterno, most known for his role as head coach of Penn State's football team)

SCENE 7

Pier 88 (Bud Light Party Cruise)

Interior Concert Hall

New York, New York

("Ain't No Half Steppin'" by Big Daddy Kane playing on the turntables, being controlled by Kool DJ Red Alert; there are large posters of Run-DMC and the Red Hot Chili Peppers behind Red Alert's DJ stand; half the room is painted orange and blue in honor of the Broncos, and the other half is painted blue and neon green in honor of the Seahawks)

It's nighttime here in the Hudson River. All of Testicular Sound Express is dressed to impress. RK noticeably has on a red robe with the words "King of the Mountain" in white lettering on the back, and three gold chains, one with a Mercury medallion.

RK: I can't believe it's still snowing. They might have to play the Super Bowl on Saturday or push it back.

(long pause)

BUSTER: RK, don't you think that outfit's a little gay?

(RK angrily stares at Buster)

SPARKY: Guys, we are in 7th heaven right about now, this cruise ship has everything.

WADE: Yup, they're playing one of my favorite songs. Oh my God, RED ALERT!

(The camera pans on Red Alert again)

JAYLYNN: Who's Red Alert?

WADE: Kool DJ Red Alert, one of the greatest DJs of all-time! He was on KISS-FM for years, and he supported Boogie Down Productions in the Bridge Wars against the Juice Crew. He's a hip-hop legend!

SPARKY: Apparently, he still thinks it's 1988. Yo, Red, would it kill you to play something contemporary?

(Red Alert simply shrugs)

WADE: Sparky, have some manners when you're talking to rap royalty!

SPARKY: I'm sorry, but come on, most of the people here probably have never even heard of Big Daddy Kane.

WADE: Well, it's better than that God-awful Jamaican music they play at every party.

JAYLYNN: I know, right? What does that crap even mean, they like to eat beef patties and jerk chicken?

(long pause; Jaylynn starts laughing while Sparky and Wade stare at her, bored)

JAYLYNN: What?

SPARKY: You know, Jaylynn, there's such a thing as witty racial humor without resorting to stereotypes.

JAYLYNN: I wasn't trying to be offensive!

WADE: Probably not, but if over-sensitive people were watching this right now, they would have us arrested.

RK: Buster, look! Who are those guys?

(Several Denver Broncos, including head coach John Fox, are in a booth drinking)

BUSTER: Well, it looks like Peyton Manning, Wes Welker, Demaryius Thomas, Knowshon Moreno, Eric Decker, Von Miller, Jacob Tamme, Champ Bailey, and John Fox. All members of the AFC Champion Denver Broncos.

(long pause; RK stares at Buster, and he realizes what RK meant)

BUSTER: Oh, you were being sarcastic in an attempt to come off as witty. I see what you're doing.

RK: Let's go, hot stuff!

BUSTER: Are you sure? I don't want to embarrass myself in front of my peers.

RK: LET'S GO!

BUSTER: Oh, alright. You owe me six bottles of AriZona on Sunday!

WES: Hey, guys, look, it's two children. You guys want an autograph?

RK: No way, Welker! We want to know about your dastardly Super Bowl schemes post-pronto!

PEYTON: Do you carry a thesaurus around with you?

RK: Ah, depends how I'm feeling.

BUSTER: Don't play dumb, Broncos! We know you're trying to get the Seahawks to throw the Super Bowl so you can win without having to try! And honestly, I'm disgusted!

RK: That's right!

BUSTER: I mean, if anybody should throw the game, can't it be you guys? I mean, I'm from Seattle, and it is HARD trying to build a championship team in a city like that.

RK: Buster...

BUSTER: I mean, the Sonics moved out and they suddenly become one of the best in the game once they move to Oklahoma City. The Mariners haven't been a good team since 2001.

RK: Buster...

BUSTER: And the Seahawks are our last shot at the crown! I mean, come on, you guys should be throwing the game, not them.

(imitating Michael Yarmush) RK: BUSTER!

BUSTER: Oh, sorry, I went on my Seattle championship rant again. Look, the point is, you guys can't do this! The Seahawks can't do this!

ERIC: Look, guys, we don't know anything about throwing the Super Bowl. We're going to win on Sunday because we earned it.

RK: Or because you lined the pockets of the other team.

KNOWSHON: YO, SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP!

RK: What, did I strike a nerve?

SPARKY: Hey Wade, I think someone said my line.

WADE: RK did. He and Buster are over there accosting the Broncos about the Super Bowl plot.

SPARKY: Then why the hell didn't you say anything?!

WADE: Because I knew you would sense the fact that someone said your line.

(long pause)

(puts hand on Wade's head) SPARKY: You're a good friend, Wade. (walks over to the booth) OK, guys, leave the Broncos alone, there's no evil plot or conspiracy or hoax to speak of!

RK: Sparky, it's true. The Broncos and the Seahawks are conspiring with each other to ruin the legacy of the Super Bowl! Just like how Disney Channel ruined the legacy of _Bear in the Big Blue House._

CUTAWAY GAG

Bear is being taken away by police from the house. He looks noticeably drunk.

BEAR: I TOLD YOU, I DIDN'T TRY TO MOLEST THAT BOY, GET OFF ME!

POLICEMAN: You have the right to remain silent.

The police force Bear onto the car in an attempt to handcuff him.

BEAR: IT'S NOT MY FAULT, HE SMELLED LIKE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND! HE PROBABLY SMELLS LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME! PLEASE, DON'T TAKE ME AWAY!

(The police throw Bear into the car and drive away)

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 8

Pier 88 (Bud Light Party Cruise)

Interior Hotel Room

New York, New York

(Sparky is angrily staring at Buster and RK, who are sitting on the bed; long pause)

RK: So, Sparky...looking real cut today.

SPARKY: This isn't cute, you guys! I spent so much damn money on this excursion. Do you really want to look like a bunch of uncivilized monsters in front of grown-ups? You're lucky they didn't toss your ass into the Hudson River.

BUSTER: Sparky, you can't name rivers. They're not people.

(Sparky does a facepalm)

SPARKY: Look, guys, I understand your fourth-grade minds are swirling with paranoia up the wazoo right now. But there's no plot to ruin the Super Bowl on Sunday. Can we all just forget about it and try to enjoy the rest of this vacation?

(Buster and RK stare at each other)

BUSTER AND RK: Yeah.

SPARKY: Good. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to see if Run-DMC is still at the concert hall. I heard Run never shows up so you need to actually follow him from hone in order to have a slight chance of getting a glimpse of him.

(Sparky leaves the hotel room)

BUSTER: We're not abandoning this plan, are we?

RK: Nope.

BUSTER: But what can we do now? We might be on the verge of exposing this whole lammy-zaggle, but we're going to need to crack the smother muffin in order to get bayloas.

RK: Huh?

BUSTER: On Sunday, we're going to have to infiltrate the locker rooms at MetLife Stadium and get the proof we need to take down this whole plot. I take the Seahawks, you take the Broncos.

RK: But how in the world are two kids just going to wander aimlessly around without anybody noticing?

BUSTER: You're the master of disguise, right?

RK: Buster, Ashley means nothing to me. She's just a fling. I love it when you have schemes. Kiss me!

(long pause; Buster gives RK a Stone Cold Stunner and leaves the hotel room)

SCENE 9

Pier 88 (Bud Light Party Cruise)

Interior Bar

New York, New York

FEBRUARY 2 (SUPER BOWL SUNDAY)

It's 6:16 PM local time. Kickoff for Super Bowl XLVIII is in less than 10 minutes. Or you would think. MetLife Stadium is blanketed in snow and empty. The night before, a snowstorm pounded the East Coast, possibly the fourth in as many weeks. The snow couldn't be cleared in time for the game, so officials are considering postponing it for the next day.

(on the TV) JOE BUCK: Hello ladies and gentlemen, I'm Joe Buck and I know this isn't the scene you expected or wanted for Super Bowl XLVIII. However, there's no going around this. Groundskeepers haven't been able to clear the snow before the festivities, so you're hearing it first here on Fox: As of this moment, tonight's championship game between the AFC Champion Denver Broncos and the NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks has officially been postponed until tomorrow night.

(groaning from the fans in the bar)

SPARKY: This is why we can't have nice things!

JOE BUCK: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that he refuses to let the Super Bowl be played in these conditions, and both teams have also given their blessing to postpone the game.

FAN: You see, back when I was a kid, we played football in the snow...like MEN!

SPARKY: Amen.

WADE: Dumbasses.

JAYLYNN: Saps. I WANTED TO SEE SOME FOOTBALL!

(cheering from the fans)

(The room is now almost empty, as only RK and Buster remain)

BUSTER: What do we do now?

RK: We're just going to have to wait until tomorrow to infiltrate the stadium. But hey, can we stop the conspiracy AFTER the H&M commercial? I can't miss David Beckham with his shirt off.

(Buster stares at RK, bored)

SCENE 10

MetLife Stadium

Interior Football Field

East Rutherford, New Jersey

FEBRUARY 3 (SUPER BOWL MONDAY)

(The NFL on Fox instrumental playing in the background)

JOE BUCK: Yes, it is a cold night here at MetLife Stadium but that's not stopping us from playing football tonight. Welcome to the 48th edition of America's biggest game, the Super Bowl! Fox Sports is proud to welcome you into MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey! In this corner, you have the Denver Broncos, who haven't been in this position since the year _Family Guy _premiered. Peyton Manning looking for only his second ring in the stadium of his brother, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning. And in this corner, for the NFC, you have a Seattle Seahawks team that hasn't played this good in years. The top-ranked defense of the Seahawks is ready to bring home Seattle's first-ever world championship. Hi, I'm Joe Buck glad to be here with you guys for the biggest night in sports. Only the second Super Bowl in two decades where the number one seeds from both conferences meet. This Super Bowl has history written all over it. First Super Bowl outdoors in a cold-weather city. First Super Bowl not played on Sunday. First Super Bowl postponed. First Super Bowl played in the New York area. First Super Bowl hosted by two cities at once. And the first Super Bowl where the weather is the star of the game. Here with me is color commentator Troy Aikman. Troy, you've been to three Super Bowls. Have you ever experienced something like this?

TROY AIKMAN: Definitely not, Joe. This is crazy beyond belief. When I was under center for the Cowboys, my biggest fear was playing at a low quality or one of my guys getting injured. I played in Pasadena, Atlanta, Tempe, traditionally warm-weather cities. Never have I had to worry about the weather, and I assume that's something hardly any team has had to worry about either.

JOE BUCK: Super Bowl XLI in 2007 had some rain during the contest, but this was on a completely different scale. Last night here in New Jersey, the field was considered not up to playing conditions and officials decided to postpone the game. The Super Bowl has never been knocked out a day later or earlier, but that's the biggest fear the committee for this year's game has had for years. Ever since it was announced four years ago that New York City would host Super Bowl XLVIII, the weather has been looked at with keen eyes, and it's only intensified in the coming weeks. WWE's 29th edition of WrestleMania last year here at MetLife was plagued by rain, but that did not stop the show at any point. There's no turning back now. We're playing football here tonight, no ifs, ands, or buts. We now turn to Broncos sideline reporter Pam Oliver. Pam, what can you tell us about the AFC Champions?

PAM OLIVER: Well, Joe, the Broncos haven't wasted a second preparing for their first Super Bowl in 15 years. Head coach John Fox told me that they were deep in the trenches studying the Seahawks the day after the conference championship games. Peyton Manning has been thinking about this day 24/7 and has hardly had a chance to breathe. Eric Decker told me that there is no way the Broncos leave New Jersey tonight without the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

JOE BUCK: Well, thank you Pam, and with that information, we now turn to Seahawks sideline reporter Erin Andrews. Erin, how have the NFC Champions been preparing for this game?

ERIN ANDREWS: Well, Joe, normally, the Seahawks are very smashmouth, in-your-face, confident. But in the past two weeks, they've gotten inexplicably low-key but still recognize the task at hand. A couple months ago, when they were playing the Giants, you mentioned it was like a dress rehearsal for them. Well, tonight is the big show and they are more serious than they have been all year. Richard Sherman was quoted during the press conference as saying, "He's going to feel like a millionaire at the end of the night."

JOE BUCK: Well, ladies and gentlemen, Renee Fleming is about to perform the national anthem, and after she does, it's kickoff time! Super Bowl XLVIII will return after a word from these messages.

(in the bar, half the fans are wearing Broncos gear, and the other half is wearing Seahawks gear; Jaylynn noticeably has on a Peyton Manning jersey and orange-and-blue facepaint)

RK: I didn't know you were such a Broncos fan, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Well, KG told me that they're a very talented team and he usually has good judgment.

(long pause)

RK: Please don't take my brother away from me.

(Buster pulls RK to the side)

BUSTER: RK, the game's about to start. What the hell are we still doing here?

RK: Relax, man. The first half is usually uneventful anyway. Even if the Broncos get off to a good start, we can expose the plot right before the halftime show and save the game.

BUSTER: Well, I trust you. And don't worry. I created stand-ins.

RK: Your stand-in track record isn't that good.

BUSTER: Ah, you doubt me too much.

RK: I think there's a perfectly good reason for that.

(bored) BUSTER: No. There isn't.

(bored) RK: Yes. There is.

("Chinese Democracy" by Guns N' Roses playing in the background)

The Seahawks are intentionally throwing the game as planned. The Broncos are using every opportunity to pick apart the normally unstoppable Seattle defense, much to Sparky's anger. Manning got two touchdown passes, a potential long bomb by Wilson was intercepted and returned for a touchdown, and Trindon Holliday took a kick return all the way back for a score. The result at the end of the second quarter? 28-0, Broncos.

JOE BUCK: We are about to witness a halftime show for the ages. The biggest R&B star today teams up with one of the greatest rock bands of all-time. Bruno Mars. Red Hot Chili Peppers. Next on the Pepsi Halftime Show.

(in front of the stadium) RK: Dude, this is sick! There must be more than 70,000 people here!

BUSTER: RK, how could you count that high? Are you a sorcerer?

(bored) RK: No. OK, how are we going to get inside this place?

BUSTER: You have the disguises?

RK: You bet.

(RK snaps his fingers, and in a puff of purple smoke, RK is now dressed like Eli Manning, and Buster is now dressed like Macklemore)

BUSTER: Why in the world am I dressed like Macklemore?

RK: He's from Seattle. It's like you're handicapped, but people see you as superior for some reason.

BUSTER: I KNOW he's from Seattle. What I AM saying is that it's just kind of weird.

RK: Enough dilly-dallying! We're about to uncover an evil plot. OK, let's go.

(There are no cameras in the Broncos' locker room)

JOHN FOX: Guys, this has been a great night so far. That Vince Lombardi Trophy will be ours in no time. And Peyton, your plan was pure genius.

PEYTON: Thanks Coach.

(as Eli Manning) RK: What'cha know, bro?

(RK's disguise works against him because of the height...you would think)

PEYTON: Hey Eli. What's going on?

RK: Don't patronize me! I know you're trying to steal the Super Bowl in my house!

PEYTON: No, I'm not. And even if I am, it's a great plan.

RK: Oh, really? What's the plan anyway?

PEYTON: It's too easy to fool these chumps. We convinced the Seahawks to play like crap the whole game. Then we win the Super Bowl easy without having to try. The Seahawks get millions of dollars in cash money from Vegas gamblers for losing on purpose, and Vegas gamblers also make money betting on us. Do you know how hard it is to sit there and look at the rings your no-talented ass earned? IT'S HORRIBLE! WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?! HUH? IT'S PEYTON'S TURN! And the fact that I cheated to win makes no difference. I'M PROUD OF IT! And you better not tell a soul, Eli.

RK: Trust me, I won't.

Minutes later, RK is in MetLife Stadium's production room.

(with a knife and a tape recorder) RK: Play this before I kill you.

(long pause)

PRODUCTION GUY: OK.

SCENE 11

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JOE BUCK: So, an almost inconceivable plot to decrease the quality of Super Bowl XLVIII was thwarted by little Ryan Kennedy Jennings and Buster Newman. (under his breath) Why do I know those names? Anyway, several members of the Broncos and Seahawks are facing severe punishment for their involvement in this scandal, which should average out to a three-game suspension at the most. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has decided that there will be no Super Bowl champion this year, as it the first time in the 48-year history of the game that the Vince Lombardi Trophy won't be awarded.

WADE: Sparky, we've rewatched this 15 times.

SPARKY: I'm sorry, but I'm proud of my friends. RK, I'm really sorry I didn't believe you about the conspiracy. You might have some really crazy theories, but you know how to tell the truth.

WADE: You know what, I'm sorry, too. I have to give you props, man, you came through and did what was right.

JAYLYNN: Way to take the high road, buddy.

BUSTER: Hey, I was a co-thwarter!

SPARKY: Oh yeah. Let's hear it for the co-thwarter!

(cheers for Buster)

RK: Are you guys done yet?

SPARKY: RK, I thought you would be thrilled over what you did. You're a hero now.

RK: Yeah, but at what cost? I had to sign up for the Witness Protection Program, hundreds of Broncos fans want me dead and I'm the laughingstock of every late-night talk show in America. This whole thing is so cummy.

SPARKY: So, there isn't a silver lining to this at all?

RK: The NFL sent me five VIP tickets to next year's Super Bowl in Glendale.

SPARKY: Oh.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Are you going to go?

(immediately) RK: NO, I DON'T WANT TO (BLEEP) GO!

(black screen)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now, it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("You're a Customer" by EPMD playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAVE A GREAT SUPER BOWL SUNDAY (Or a cummy one, who knows?)


	2. Super Bowl Cum-Day II Sign Off

PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES

-I knew I had to make a sequel to "Super Bowl Cum-Day," as not only was it apparently popular with readers (more than 200 people have seen it, with "Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013" being the only other Season 1 episode to get that many views) but the first one was fun to write.

-I hope you caught Joe Buck lampshading his previous appearance on _Thank You, Heavenly _("It's The Holidays, Dammit!").

-The sequel plays just like the first one, with RK being the main protagonist and there being some sort of plot hole that needs to be fixed.

-I wish I could've put KG in the episode, but the little reference is just as good.

-People like Ashanti and Jojo make me sad because they were on a hot streak for a while and then just disappeared without even leaving a note. Who do they think they are, the Baltimore Colts? (drum beat, slaps knee)

-That police cutaway was inspired by this story with a picture on Facebook about a woman who was caught speeding, but she was able to trick the police officer and turn the tables without getting into any trouble. "99 Problems" was the perfect song to use since the second verse dealt with Jay-Z's experience with racial profiling. Also, RK being stopped is a message that anyone could be a victim of racist police.

-Joe Paterno was the head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions football team for years. When Jerry Sandusky's molestation scandal exploded, Paterno was revealed to have known about it but never told anybody. He was later fired from his coaching job and died at the start of 2012. It's actually a pretty sad story when you think about it.

-If you're aware of what actually happened in Super Bowl XLVIII, this episode becomes a lot funnier.

-In one of the cancelled Season 1 episodes originally scheduled as part of the show's summer run, a similar _Bear in the Big Blue House _joke was made at the start, with The Shield (WWE) guest-starring as cops. I actually like this one better.

-Sparky talking about Rev. Run is a reference to how little Run participates in anything public these days, in stark contrast to DMC who you can find anywhere. Of course, he has that Beats commercial with his son Diggy right now so I guess that's a point for him.

-When I first wrote the ending (starting after the "Chinese Democracy" sequence), I wasn't feeling it and I felt I could've come up with a more creative way of wrapping it up. But looking at it now, I think it's great. My biggest problem writing this show is that most of the endings are improvised, even if the blueprint has been made for them. I actually finished the episode pretty late after putting it aside more than I should've. I posted it not that long after I was done. Actually, that's happened a lot more than you think. Like "Stories Killed the Radio Stars." I finished that right before I went to bed.

-"You're a Customer" is the kind of song you're a little disappointed in at first because EPMD usually had more going on in their songs. But when you realize how well they flipped ZZ Top and slid in not only The Steve Miller Band but Kool and the Gang, it makes for something really funky. But it's not their best song on _Strictly Business_. That's "You Gots to Chill," without question.


End file.
